


Pandamonium

by LilyInTheSnow



Series: The Intelligence Nerd and The Avengers [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Halloween, M/M, Protective Steve Rogers, When Werepandas Attack, and cuddles, and some babying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 14:38:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16477427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyInTheSnow/pseuds/LilyInTheSnow
Summary: Bucky has a nightmare. It's pandamonium. xDI just realized the tags make it sound super creepy kinda but it's me so come on, how creepy can it be?





	Pandamonium

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Halloween, Blessed Samhain, etc.
> 
> This is set in some vague time period in the main fic, could be in the past or in the future, doesn't really matter which. And this is spoiler free from anything that might happen in the future of the main fic as well so you don't hafta worry about that.
> 
> Beta'd by the super awesome, ever amazing SergeantFreezerburn here on AO3! <3

  
Bucky woke to a loud crash and a thump that jostled the bed. He sat up, already reaching for his Glock and Gerber, and stared at Steve’s side of the bed, only to discover that it was empty. “Steve?” He heard a groan followed by snuffles and reached over with the hand holding his Gerber to switch on the lamp that sat on the nightstand. He was not at all embarrassed by the scream he let out when he saw a panda sitting up and shaking its head like it was dizzy. “What the fuck!” There was a panda in his and Steve’s bedroom. What the ever-loving shit? How the fuck did a panda get in their bedroom, much less the cottage? “Steve!” The panda’s head whipped toward him with another snuffle and Bucky yelped, flinging himself off of the bed, unintentionally throwing himself into the wall, which now featured a Bucky shaped crack where before it was plain, unimposing drywall.

The panda made a startled bark-like noise, then tried to stand on its back legs before falling forward onto all fours and ambling toward him. Its fat and fluffy bulk jiggling slightly, fur ruffling, as it moved. It’s…strangely blonde fur. What the fuck kind of panda was blonde? The parts of a panda’s fur that were normally black were a dark sandy blonde and the white bits were a lighter, more golden shade of blonde.

“Steve!” Bucky yelled again, hoping he wouldn’t have to injure the giant fucking panda as it shuffled toward him. Where the fuck was Steve? The panda made some kind of weird honking noise and then a whimper as it moved toward him even faster. He held the gun up, aiming toward the panda’s head - just in case - and it slowed to a stop, staring at him with pitiful sky blue eyes that made him feel guilty just for thinking of hurting him. He knew better though. He had learned that not all pandas were cute and cuddly during the Werepanda thing. He knew how long their freaking canines were and he’d seen the bite Steve had gotten. He had seen the aftermath of a Werepanda attack and knew it wasn’t pretty. The panda snuffled again, then yawned and Bucky cringed, images of blood covered panda faces flashing in his mind, when he saw its giant fucking fangs.

The panda made a weird, almost goat-like bleat, as it began moving toward him again and he groaned. “This is payback, isn’t it? For knocking out the creepy man-eating pandas before? God, you’re getting revenge aren’t you? Fucking radioactive pandas. Did you already eat Steve?”

The Werepanda squeaked as it started toward him again and he figured that if it had eaten Steve he might as well go ahead and let it eat him next. The rest of the team would be fine minus two members, right? He yelped with another cringe, waiting for it to take a bite out of him when it snuffled his stomach and yelped again when it only wrapped its arms around him in a bone crushing hug. He waited for a bite that didn’t come and peeked an eye open to see the panda sat on its butt and gazing up at him. If it had been human instead of a possibly man-eating Werepanda, he’d have thought it was gazing at him adoringly with its weirdly sky blue eyes that had cat-like pupils. Extra creepy. Whatever the hell mutant panda this was, however it had gotten here, it didn’t really seem like it was going to eat him or maul him to death. Snuggling him to death seemed more likely.

He opened the other eye and set his Gerber aside, figuring that even if he had to knock out or possibly injure the panda the knife wouldn’t get through its fluffy fur and chub. It was kinda cute for a possibly radioactive mutant man-eating Werepanda type thing. Besides, he could just knock it out if he had to. Like he and Steve had done with the others and then he’d call Tony and tell him to come pick it up. That still didn’t explain were Steve went. Bucky glanced at the clock on their nightstand and saw that it was only three in the morning. Way too early for Steve to be going for his run in his baggy shorts and tight t-shirt and unf. God that man looked good when he was running.

He flicked the safety back on his Glock and carefully tucked it in the waistband of his pajama pants, then winced when he realized he was going to have to try to get away from this freaky albino Werepanda thing without it chomping his arm off or something. Where the hell was Steve when he needed him! Steve would’ve already wrestled it away from him and rescued him and then Bucky could’ve jumped his bones in thanks.

Okay, so he may not actually jump Steve’s bones because they were so not really together, but he’d think about it and if he then spent a little bit longer in the bathtub playing with his B.O.B. then no one would know but him. Apart from Steve because Bucky knew damn well that Steve could hear the almost silent buzzing from his vibrator. Just like Bucky heard Steve with his sometimes. They both pretended they didn’t hear the other to keep their sanities intact. Hell, at this point Bucky was like two seconds away from being that one chick off of _Serenity_. He was going to start speaking with his Southern Belle accent all the time and complaining about not having nothin’ twixt his nethers weren’t run on batteries. Did he have nethers? Either way, maybe he would talk about it just to see Steve choke on his old man Corn Flakes. Bucky still thought that Steve only got them because he’d been on the box once. A box that Bucky may or may not have hidden away in his pantry at his apartment.

Still, that was an issue for later. Right now he had to figure out how to get away from the possibly violent Panda without straight up knocking it out because he felt really guilty thinking about it when all it was doing was hugging him. It really could just be a weird nice and cuddly panda that somehow got in his and Steve’s bedroom. Like those pandas from the videos he watched all the time on YouTube. The ones that loved and snuggled their handlers. But that didn’t explain why this panda was in his fucking bedroom and his fake husband was gone.

“Damn it, Steve.” He groaned and thunked his head back against the wall, then whimpered when the panda nuzzled him again. “Okay, how do I get out of this?” The panda lifted his head from his stomach and he peeked down at it with a wary smile. “Hi. Um…can you let me go now? I need to find my Steve. M-my husband, I mean.” He groaned and shook his head. “I’m talkin’ to a fuckin’ panda of mysterious origins like it’s going to- oh. Thank you.” He watched as the panda let go of him, held back his sigh of relief and gave it a wobbly smile. He waited until it backed away from him a little bit and then ran out of the bedroom as quickly as he could, pretending he wasn’t screaming hysterically for Steve, because he was not fucking dramatic or overacting this time, as he prayed that the fluffy bastard in the bedroom couldn’t open a door.

He searched the entire cottage for his wayward fake husband while whimpering at the thuds against the bedroom door. Steve still wasn’t there. Where the fuck was he? The bedroom door shattered and Bucky absolutely did not scream this time when he saw the panda ambling toward him. He might have jumped up on the coffee table like his inner Southern Belle had seen a rat, but he definitely did not scream. That would be way too dramatic. When the panda only stood on its hind legs and wrapped its arms around his legs he groaned.

“Why? Why are you clingy?” Clingy was better than being eaten by the damned thing, but still. What the fuck did it want with him? It squeezed him tighter and he sighed up at the ceiling, looking for an answer that wouldn’t come because the universe hated him for not telling Steve how he felt. Or something. “If I promise not to run away again will you let me go,” he asked after looking down at the blonde panda. “You can understand me, right? That wasn’t a fluke?” The panda snuffled then slowly let him go and he stepped over to the couch and stood on the cushions to watch the panda shuffle its fat around toward him before he sat down. “So, do you know where Steve went?”

The panda only narrowed its eyes at him like he was being exceptionally stupid and then climbed onto the couch with him to lay with its head on his lap, its teeth way too close to his junk for comfort, but it hadn’t tried to eat him yet so maybe it’d be okay.

“Steve will kill us when he gets back from wherever the fuck he is if the couch gets messed up. He picked this out himself, you know. He was so proud of it, too. He’s such a dork. You’d probably like him.”

He slowly reached up and gently patted the panda on the head, smiling a little when he realized how soft its fur actually was. It was like someone had conditioned the hell out of it. It kind of felt like Steve’s hair. All silky soft and shiny. Huh. Weird. He didn’t remember the radioactive Werepandas from before being all soft and silky. They were kind of crispy actually. Though that could’ve been dried blood on them. He hadn’t petted a real panda before so he didn’t know how their fur was supposed to feel.

He wound up sitting on the couch with the panda’s head in his lap as he pet it for longer than he’d ever admit before he heard its stomach growling and decided that he probably should find it something to eat before it tried to eat him. What did pandas eat besides bamboo? Did they eat anything besides bamboo and people when they were possibly man-eating pandas? Fruit or something? He wished he’d paid more attention to what they said in the cute panda videos he totally didn't watch at night when he was being all mopey about being love with his fake husband instead of just cooing at the pandas so he would know what they actually ate. He could probably order bamboo from someplace. Maybe he’d even get lucky and find somewhere that could do a same day delivery, but that meant he’d be dealing with a starving panda for however long before it showed up and he’d have to figure out how to get away from the sleeping panda without waking it up and making it cranky enough to bite his face off.

He started to squirm away from it and it rolled over and wrapped its arms around his leg in a death grip.

“Oh, come on Clingy McClingerson. I gotta find you some food before you eat me.” The panda opened one blue eye with a snort then sighed like it was the hardest thing it would ever have to do in its panda life as it scooted down the couch, freeing Bucky from his sweaty, furry, kind of adorable, prison.

The panda curled up as best as its fat body could on the couch and Bucky went to get his phone so he could look up panda dietary plans. Surely he and Steve had something it could eat. He didn’t even make it out of the living room before the panda decided against its nap and ambled after him. It bit the leg of his pajama pants and then tugged him toward the kitchen.

“Look, dude. I gotta find out what’s safe for you to eat besides bamboo, ‘cause I dunno if you’ve noticed, but we’re seriously lacking in bamboo and bamboo type substances except for Steve’s weird loofah thingy and he will definitely throw a shitfit if you eat that.” Steve was a damned drama queen about his stupid bamboo loofah.  

The panda only continued to drag him into the kitchen, like it knew where it was, and he stumbled after it until it decided he would follow its stubby tail into the kitchen and let go of his pant leg. When it walked to the fridge and started pawing at the door he raised an eyebrow, what the shit? and walked over to open the door so it wouldn’t break the fridge. He’d probably never hear the end of it if Steve found out he’d let a panda break it. It was a God-awful expensive replica of a fridge from the 1950s, all butter yellow and rounded edges and chrome handles.

He yelped when the panda budged him aside and dragged out a bowl of fruit.

“Oh. Okay. Guess that makes sense.”

He hadn’t even realized how long he’d stood there staring in some sort of morbid fascination at the panda with its face buried in a bowl of fruit salad - well fruit salad that amounted to all the fruit in the fruit bowl and whatever veggies he’d found in the fridge - until there was a knock on the door. Maybe it was Steve back from wherever he had decided to go at three in the fucking morning leaving him to deal with this weird-ass situation all by himself and he’d forgotten his key and locked himself out.

It better be Steve because Bucky wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with the panda long-term. He supposed he could call Stark and see what he needed to do, but then he’d have to explain that his fake husband was missing and suddenly there was a panda and Tony would freak out and there was no telling what a freaked out Tony would do. He wasn’t sure he could handle a freaked out Tony.

Bucky carefully and slowly made his way out of the kitchen, hoping the panda would stay put so he wouldn’t have to explain to anyone what was going on. Unless it was Steve. Then he was going to explain the shit out of this situation. He opened the door slowly, hiding a wince when he saw it was John and Carlos. Shit.

“Um…hi?”

“Are you okay, James? You look ill.” John reached over and put his hand on Bucky’s forehead. “Where’s your husband? He should be taking care of you right now.”

“He uh…I dunno. He was gone when I woke up.”

“Well come on, John’ll get you settled on the couch.” Carlos muscled his way in, Bucky too stunned by his and John’s concern to remember the panda in the kitchen until Carlos screamed bloody murder.

Bucky and John raced into the kitchen to find Carlos cornered in the kitchen, the blonde panda growling and sounding absolutely terrifying for once instead of the cute little bleats and squeaks and barks it’d been making up until now.

“Hey! Cut it out!” Bucky raced over and tried to pull the panda away, only slightly worried about getting bit by the damned thing. It struggled against him, flinging him away as it kept growling at Carlos and Bucky steadied himself, then ran at it to tackle it like a linebacker to get it away from his neighbor.

He yelled for John and Carlos to get out as he fought to keep the stupid chubby fluff monster pinned to the floor and only realized the sun had even come up when a shaft of light fell across them as they struggled across the floor. The panda fell still, blinking its stupidly blue eyes at him before its entire body shuddered hard with a whimper. Bucky stood after hearing the front door shut, fairly certain that the panda wasn’t going to attack him now, and watched as it did whatever the hell it was doing. Its fur was rippling over it in waves, its legs seemed to be stretching and was its fur getting shorter? Eww. So gross. It looked like the reverse of that part on Gremlins where Gizmo got wet and the gremlins popped out. He closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to watch the rest of it.

He opened them once the gross sounds were done and saw Steve splayed out in the floor where the panda had been. He didn’t fucking scream. Nope. He was too busy being confused and still managing to ogle Steve’s perfectly naked, perfect fuckin’ body. Jesus, dude was ripped. He still wanted to have Steve’s babies, damn it. They could try as much as Steve wanted. Bucky bit back a groan as his eyes trailed down Steve’s abs, a barely there trail of blonde hairs leading down from his belly button to what Bucky figured was the happiest place on fucking Earth. Or maybe his ass would be the happiest place on Earth because he totally wanted to take a ride on what he had previously dubbed Holy Fuck. Just a few fingers and some lube and he’d be good. He was fixing to find out for sure how many he’d need, just hadta let his eyes trail down a couple more inches. He whimpered, squeezing his thighs together in excitement. Probably this was so wrong, but Steve was staring at him like he’d hung the moon and the panda was gone now so it was okay and Steve was posed and looking like lounging naked on the kitchen floor was something he did all the time.

“Baby doll? Jamie, wake up, sugar.”

“Mmph.” Bucky rolled away from the hand on his shoulder, then groaned when the last snatches of his dream disappeared. Goddammit Steve! Two fuckin’ seconds away from seeing the massive dick that jabbed him in the ass almost every morning and he had to get woken up.

“Baby, you were dreaming something crazy. Kept screamin’ for me and whimpering.”

Bucky whined and rolled back over to curl up against Steve and tuck his head under Steve’s chin.

“You have a nightmare?”

“Kinda.”

“Wanna tell me what it was about?”

“Panda. Big and blonde with stupid blue eyes. Woke up and a panda was in the room. You were gone. Tackled it and then it shifted and you were there. Naked on the kitchen floor.”

“Doll face?”

“Hmm?”

“Was I the panda? Did I turn into a Werepanda?”

Bucky shot up to sitting and stared down at his fake husband. “Oh my God! You were the fucking panda! No wonder it was so fuckin’ cuddly and shit. Christ. Duh. So fucking obvious.” Bucky smacked his fake husband on the chest as if it was Steve’s fault he’d dreamed that the blonde had turned into a giant possibly man-eating Werepanda. Steve yelped then pulled him back down into his arms.

“What did you eat before bed?”

“Easy Cheese sandwiched between the nacho cheese flavored Doritos.”

Steve laughed then gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. “Try not to eat anymore junk food before bed, huh?”

“Yeah.” Bucky rubbed his cheek against Steve’s neck, frowning when he felt thick hair against his cheek. What the ever-loving-fuck was that? He sat up and turned on the lamp on the nightstand and screamed, falling off of the bed when he saw that Steve was sprouting blonde fur.

“Buck! Baby, wake up!” Strong hands gripped his shoulders, shaking him none too gently and he came awake with a gasp.

“Stevie! Steve, oh my God!” He wrapped himself around his fake husband tightly after making sure there wasn’t fur growing all over him. Maybe he was really awake this time. “Steve.” He wasn’t crying, okay. He was washing his eyes or had a stick in them or something.

“Shh. You’re all right, sugar. It was just a bad dream, sweetheart.” Steve held him close, gently smoothing circles on his back under his shirt; the drag of Steve’s skin on his comforting him more than anything else. “It’s okay. Everything is just fine. Just a nightmare.”

“Am I awake this time?”

A large hand slid down his back and pinched his hip. He yelped, reaching down to slap at the offending appendage and then wrapped himself even tighter around his stupid fake husband.

“You were a panda! A big stupid blonde panda with big stupid blue eyes!”

“From when I got bitten?”

“Yes!” Bucky growled, nipping at Steve’s clavicle a little and the blonde sighed. “Stupid!”

“I was a Werepanda?” Of all the things Bucky expected, he didn’t expect Steve to laugh at him for crying over him being turned into a Werepanda.

“Don’t laugh at me. It was scary.”

“I’m not laughing at you, doll. I promise. It’s just…I think it’s been long enough that I definitely would’ve turned by now if I was going to. You ain’t gotta worry about it, Buck.”

“My awake brain knows that you ass! My sleeping Easy Cheese and Dorito sandwiches before bed brain does not. Don’t be mean to me right now, Steve. I’m delicate.” He was. You could ask Becca and Natasha. They knew.

Steve’s giggles tapered off and he sighed heavily, hands still rubbing comfortingly over Bucky’s back. “I know you are, sweetheart. I’m sorry. Think you can go back to sleep? Or do you need some hot chocolate first?”

“Hot chocolate.”

“Tiny marshmallows?”

“Duh,” he said with a sniffle.

Steve started to wiggle away from him and Bucky clutched onto him tighter. “Don’t leave me.”

“Buck, I gotta get up if you want hot chocolate. Need me to carry you?”

Bucky knew he was being ridiculous, but probably no one would blame him for it after the weirdass creepy dream he’d had. Steve certainly didn’t. “Please.”

“Okay. Come on, baby doll. Let me get up and then I’ll carry you with me.”

Bucky wound up riding piggyback into the kitchen. Hanging onto Steve like a baby koala, his arms wrapped around Steve’s neck and legs around his waist with his forehead pressed between Steve’s shoulder blades. Steve could carry him around like that as long as he needed to and Bucky was out of the way while he made hot chocolate and could still manage to cling to him and make sure he wasn’t going to disappear or turn into a chubby fluff ball with giant fangs and an affinity for cuddles and fruit salad. How the hell had dream him not realized it was Steve?

Bucky managed to doze even while hanging off of Steve’s back and only woke enough to take his cup of cocoa in his left hand and sip it while still clinging to Steve with his right. If he locked up his hand he wouldn’t drop his mug if he fell asleep again so he didn’t have to worry about spilling any on Steve.

“Let go, Buck. Gotta sit down now.”

Bucky whimpered in distress but managed to let Steve go just long enough for his fake husband to sit him down on the couch. As soon as Steve sat down Bucky planted himself on his lap and cuddled close, taking small sips until his cocoa was cool enough to drink properly. After it was gone he moved enough to sit the mug on the coffee table then snuggled back up to Steve and sighed when strong arms tightened around him.

“Are you okay, doll?”

“Mmm. Yeah.” He was, strangely, sitting on Steve’s lap and wrapped in his arms with his head tucked under his chin. Maybe not so strange since the dude he was stupidly and desperately in love with was holding him after a nightmare. Still, it was nice being cuddled so closely and he fell into a dreamless sleep with the sound of Steve’s heart beating in his ear.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't heard the noises pandas make go do it right now! Seriously, you'll either curse me or thank me depending on which sound files you find. Some of the panda noises are creepy as shit.


End file.
